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THE MEANING OF MEMORIES

Black+and+white+90th

We all make them, we all have them, we all lose them. But what do we do when someone loses a memory that was important to US for them to hold onto? I recently had an opportunity to learn something about myself in the process of answering that question...

Patrick and I were looking forward to our trip to Florida for my Dad's 90th birthday party. We were traveling from California, my brother was traveling from New York, and many members of Dad's extended family were traveling from all over Florida to celebrate him.

The birthday brunch was a great success! A lovely venue near the water provided just the right space for us to gather, and my dad was both overjoyed and overwhelmed with the love and attention. He laughed, he wept, he took it all in.

We felt great about it too. I don't get to Florida very often, but I sure was glad we made the trip.

I called dad a few days later at my usual weekly calling time. As always, he was delighted to hear from me. I asked him if he had recovered from the party.

"What party?"

"Your birthday party, Dad," I replied.

"I didn't have a party. But maybe I will one of these days..."

"Yes, Dad, you DID have a party, and there were 30 people there to celebrate you," I insisted.

"Really? I don't remember that."

"Oh, that's OK, Dad. We'll send you some pictures so you can see what a nice time we all had with you."

Then I changed the subject and ended the conversation with a telephonic hug. But I found myself thinking about it for a long time afterwards. Part of me was crestfallen that he didn't remember the visit or the party.

The deeper I thought about it, the lighter I felt. Was the point of the party the memory of the party? Or was the point of the party to celebrate Dad on his 90th birthday? The answer was obvious. And so was the path to my own healing.

I'm always talking about the fact that life happens in the moment - not yesterday, not tomorrow, just NOW. The truth was that Dad loved his party! And while he might've gotten some residual pleasure from the memory, he sure did enjoy every moment that he experienced in the moment he experienced it. The gift is the present, the present is the gift. So did I really need for him to have the memory for him? Or for me…

That answer was obvious too. And while I'm glad to have the photographs that captured the moment, the beauty of the moment will always be in my heart. And his…

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